Although it must seem like its stupid, I think I need to cut off contact with people. It came up to me yesterday, while at lunch with some friends. I don’t know what it is that is making me want to do this, but I kind of a just want to send one of those mass text messages, and just text half my contacts and say, sorry, I can talk to you anymore, please understand, or something like that. Although I know that wouldn’t work, because I quite literally need human contact to keep myself from insanity, it somehow seems likens good plan to me. Why? Seriously? I mean, I would stay in contact with the nost basic people I NEED to talk to, such as my mother, my teachers, my therapist, and yeah. It would be interesting to see if I could do it. Homeslty, I think I could. Should I send that message? I don’t think it would be all that bad… I would just need a new spot to eat lunch from now on. Truth is, j haven’t found one. I’ve tried various practice rooms, closet spaces, and corners, but none of them really seem to work out. I can’t eat in the BR anymore, and I’m not sure why. I just sort of feel unwelcome everytime I go in there.
Right now, I’m sitting in my 3rd period class, bored as shit. Yeah, we just finished the “English Language Arts ” portion of this lame test, and it begs the question, is this crap really necessary. I mean, I know that this gives the state of Cali a sense of how we’re doing, but can’t they just give us a little piece of paper, and just let us take 20 minutes to fill it all out, instead of a week of solid 80 question tests? Really, I find these tests pointless, and I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. Some of you all may as well. Anyways,
Thats all for today. Or maybe not. Who knows. Maybe I’ll get bored in math…
I’m basically sitting here, listening to strange music, and a realization came to me. I don’t like how I’ve been living. I’ve been living in a shell of myself, and when I say myself, I don’t mean what I think I am, but I mean what I REALLY am. I like that Ada just fine, and I don’t see how bringing myself down with worry, depression, guilt, or anything will change me for the better.
Last Friday, I was on my way to a camping trip, when a friend of mine texted me. She told me that I shouldn’t keep going like that, and that people were worried. When I read that, I was somehow caught up with my cynical outlook that I laughed at that. She told me that it wasn’t funny. I now see how much of an asshole I was. I don’t want that anymore.
Her words have showed me how to really live my life.
I’m not going to say anything about who it was, but if you know who you are, Thanks :)
As for the lonliness, I’m done with the complaining.
I’m going to stop looking. If something presents its self, I might go with it, but I don’t know. I’m going to take this one day at a time.
Thanks to all of those of you who have really been helping me out, and remained to be loyal, I love you all.
To all of those A**holes who have been bringing me down since, well, the 3rd grade,
It really is amazing how much can change in a persons life.
I guess you could say im some what depressed, and have been for a while. Its kind of a weird thing for me to just say like that. But yes,iv been depressed a little over 2 months now,and im still not too sure how im feeling about it. But i really must say, having a God friend there for you is amazing. I dont know if she has a Tumblr or not, but she has made me someone new. I just want to give props to her. Thank you.
You know, paintballs hurt quite a bit when you get shot with them. Let’s just say, you get welts.
1. I have been having an amazing day with my dad ever since he got into town. Related to the words above, we went paint balling yesterday, and we hung out the whole day, the day before that. Tomorrow we go to San Francisco to see a Giants game. I’m excited! There are a lot of things I’m looking forward to.
Today was the day that I made my freeway driving debut. I drove all the way from SC to San Francisco, and then from there to Point Reyes. I drove over 150 miles today.
1. So I did a post either this morning or last night that stated that I didn’t know whether or not my dad was coming out. While I was driving on 280 today, he called me. We had a brief speakerphone conversation, and he told me the good news that he was at that moment leaving his house, and that he would be here late tomorrow night. :) I am therefore very happy, and get to have a very fun week with him this and next week :)
I get to go to San Francisco today. We really have to go to get my new passport, but since they are only open from 9-12, we had to make an appointment for tomorrow morning. Today, I get to drive us up there, and then we get to spend some time with my mom’s friend Jenn, who is house-sitting a house up in SF at a nice big house with a pool. It’s going to fun, I think.
1. Like I said yesterday, I’m excited for my dad coming out. I’m fairly certain that he said he would be here by today, the 23rd. I’m also remembering that he said he would call before he left Boulder, but so far, I haven’t gotten a call yet, therefore I’m really not sure what he’s up to. I don’t think calling would be good either. I’m just hoping that he calls today, and still makes it out here for the later part of the week, and for the weekend, because I’ve already made plans to go paint balling, as I stated yesterday. I don’t know. I hope he gets here in the next few days.
Have you ever had one of those days where you can’t move due to lack of energy. I literally can’t move due to exhaustion. I don’t why. I’ve only worked like, 2 hours today, and I really can’t move at all. I hate it.
1. I’m really sort of happy. My dad, Pete, is coming out from Utah, tomorrow, just to see me. Usually it’s for other things like business or seeing old friends, but from my understandings, this time is just to spend some time with me. I’m happy, because I really haven’t gotten too many opportunities to see him since his dad died. I like spending time with him, and even though our relationship is a very long distance one, it’s still nice to see him once in a while. I used to resent the fact that he was my father, but not anymore. Never again. We get to go to a Giants game, go camping, go paint balling, and hopefully a bunch of other fun activities too.
You know. I don’t know why I decided to start back up with my postings. I did some earlier in the year, and that was me in another phase of my life. It’s sorta weird. I don’t know. I guess it’s just the way it goes.
I’m going to talk about what I want this time. I know I did that last time, and I got a little too free with my language, and talking about certain people who are now closer to me that before. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m doing this a different way now. I’ll going to talk about me. Just me. Not others. Never. If I break this, I’ll just quit this blog permanently.
1. I’ve been staring at a screen for the last like, hour. I saw that one of my friends, no names will be mentioned, posted something from Tumblr. I thought, it’s been a while since I visited that blue-backrounded page. I decided to come back. It didn’t take anything else. It was quite simply, just a small reminder from a world that I used to frequent. I left this world, and went back to the “simple” world of Facebook and Formspring. Honestly, I think I might just cancel my Formspring. Honestly, it’s just an aide for people to ask immature and perverse questions to other people. It’s frankly a stupid invention. Okay, I’m going to change topics.
Something that really is bugging is company. Okay, maybe that really isn’t the best way of saying it. I miss having someone there for me, and letting myself be there for someone else. Really, what I’m saying, is that I’m lonely. That’s the truth. I’ve never been in a relationship, so I really don’t know what one is like, so what I guess I feel is something missing. I want companionship. I have friends that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I love them, and honestly, without them I don’t think I could be here. I would have to move or something. I want someone to love, and someone who loves me back. Most people have had some sort of relationship, formal or not by this time. Me? Nil. Nichs. Nada. Nothing. That’s what I want more than anything. Someone to give me a chance. Sadly, people like me are rarely given chances. For people like me, we’ll just have to wait.